rains_arms (rains_arms) wrote in bodygoddesses,

I'm so happy to have found this community. I have have always strived to think of myself and all women as goddesses. Its rough at times because the world trys to beat images of what you should be thinking and doing into you. I don't buy magazines of the Cosmo nature anymore and I try to keep myself from feeling bad about myself because I don't "fall into the Gap" cookie cutter image. Overall I love myself, I'm just not to happy with the way I percieve myself sometimes. I've always tried to change myself in the past... weight loss, hair dye, hair cuts, piercings... The last 3 I enjoy emmencely but I find that I'm draw to them when I'm depressed and I need a change. Okay enough of my rambling... I do that quite a bit.

I haven't chosen a goddess for myself just yet because I want my ideal to be perfectly suited to what I need. In truth I don't know if one goddess can fit that tall order. Instead here is a picture a real life woman who has the courage to be a dancer in a world where you are supposed to be small to be dancer.

Her name is Alexandra Beller.

Where am I now?? The very beginning of a long journey. I'm around 260lbs right now and I think I'm damn cute, bute as I said in journal there are alot of risks that come with having all of your weight around your middle and thats why I need to change. I'm slightly active, and I don't eat that bad... but not as well as I should.

My long term goal is health and fitness. I want to be strong and independent. I want to keep my hour glass shape. Although I'm not aiming at a specific weight because with muscle comes more weight and less inches so its all relative. I feel like I'd probably be about 170lbs. For now my immediate goal is to lose 20lbs in the next 3 months. Thats a little more then a pound a week. Is that doable? I'm not even sure.

One of my weakness's is my self image. I'm consistantly asking my boyfriend "Am I bigger than her?" because I honestly don't know. I have a bit of social anxiety which is fueled by my poor body image which makes it very hard to realize people can want to be my friend because I'm an interesting and intelligent.

I should scaddadle though a friend is here and I've talked your ear off enough for now.
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